‘Here’s to the fools who dream…the hearts that ache…the mess we make.’ The romantic notion of having dreams and ‘going for it’, sits in tension with the heartbreak of striving and failing. How do we reconcile with the dreams that we longed for, the dreams that burned in our heart and soul. Dreams that cause us to ache and long and yearn for that something….more. Personally, I do not like aching and longing and yearning; it is too much like an itch that you cannot scratch, there is little comfort and may result in little peace. But ached I have, longed I have, and yearned I do.
What do we do with the dreams that just did not happen? Who knows why they did not happen. There could be many reasons why life did not take you on the path that you had expected or hoped for. Instead, you might be living in a town that you never expected to live in, working in a career that you had not been your original intention. Finances may not be as you had hoped and dreamt that they would be. Relationships may have changed, your family may not be as you had once imagined. Your interests may have changed and so might your world view. What happened to the original plan? At what point do we begin to point out, that the life we are now living, is the not what was in the brochure?
Dreams serve a purpose.
Dreams motivate us. They get us moving toward a goal. They cause us to strive for more, to be more, to achieve more. Unfortunately, there are times when the fulfilment of our dreams rely on others. We need somebody to give us that job. We need somebody to call and make that appointment to see us. We need that audition, that publishing contract, that opportunity. We need somebody to grant us that pass to that qualification we have worked so hard on. We need somebody to provide for us the opportunity that we will desperately jump to, and we will jump as high as we need to.
Maybe other realities happened. We did not get that mark that we needed. We may have encountered an illness or disability that renders our desires null and void. We may have had to move from provider to carer. Perhaps a natural disaster struck or a car accident leaves us without transport or finance. There are many events that may have occurred.
After a succession of painful knock backs, we may slump to the ground in utter exhaustion. We give up. Giving up on that unfulfilled dream is difficult. There is grief. There is sadness. There may be depression. It hurts. What had steered us for so long is now gone… what will we do now?
The grief of past dreams.
It is right that relinquishing dreams be accompanied by grief. Sometimes it might feel that you have willingly (though reluctantly) given up on a dream. On other occasions, you may feel that a dream has been taken from you; somebody else got that promotion, somebody else got that position, you may have been fired or made redundant, or you may not have even started. Whatever it was that was needed to be in place for your dream to continue to live on, just did not happen. Your dream now dies, either by your will or of its own. It did not matter to anybody else, but it mattered to you. What can be left may feel like a physical hole in our soul. What will you do now? What will motivate you now?
Where are you now?
Where are you now in relation to the dream you once had? Is life different? Is it recognisable? Your current life may not look good, if viewed from what you had imagined. What is your self-talk? Are you saying: ‘I don’t remember signing up for this?’ ‘I never agreed to this?’ ‘This is not what I had imagined?’ From this perspective, your current life will seem to be in deficit. It may seem dull and lacking, especially if it is compared to something that did not actually happen. Be aware that your dream may have included some idealistic perfection.
The Dream Train.
Consider where you are in life now, and consider the role your dream played in getting you to where you currently are? It may not look like the dream you intended, but the dream played a role. What if you think of your dream as being a train journey. Your dream got you on the train and got you going, but as life would have it, you got off at a different station. It might be a station before Dream Station or after. It is also possible that your journey has merged onto different tracks and now everything is completely different. Either way, the dream got you on to the train.
The life you now have is where you are, and your previous dreams (be them idealistic or not), played a part in getting you to where you are now; you are just at a different destination to what you had imagined. Enjoy where you are. Re-engage your passion and see your dreams for what they are; part of the journey that you are still travelling on.
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About Gwen
Gwen is a school teacher, counsellor, author and presenter. Gwen’s counselling practice caters particularly for children, adolescents, teachers and parents, as well as generalised counselling. She works with individuals in relation to mental health and wellbeing. Gwen is the author of Bully Resilience: Changing the Game. See www.equipcc.com.au for more information.
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