How are you with failure? I’ve asked this question to many adults and their responses often include; a cringe, a worried expression, a shake of the head, ‘Oh, I am terrible with failure,’ or ‘I hate it.’ I’ve also seen the fear of failure in many students across all year levels; and while they may not state, ‘I have a fear of failure’, they know that they hate making mistakes. If we could help our children to develop the ability to accept their successes as well as their failures, we could help them to become adults who are not struck with this debilitating fear. A fear that will prevent risk taking, stop them from pursuing goals, will have them living with stress, fearing the reactions of others and the outcome of their own efforts.
This article explores what a fear of failure looks like in the classroom, what drives the fear, and what can we do to help those caught in this unkind and debilitating state of thinking?
Process Vs Product
There is a distinction between Process and Product. The Process is the effort one needs to take in order to get to the Product; it is the picture in its forming state, the draft essay, scales on the piano, skill development for the sporting field. The Process – can be tedious, time consuming, laborious and possibly boring. The Product is the result; the completed picture, the finished essay, the piece of music, the scored goal.
However, despite this distinction, for some there is only Product; being able to do is the Product. As a result, some children will avoid a task if they suspect possible failure. Do not underestimate what this threatens for the failure-fearing child, as it becomes a twist on Descartes’s, ‘I think, therefore I am’. With the task in front of them, an anxiety begins to rise that bears the weight of, ‘If I can’t, therefore I am not.’ That might sound extreme, but it really can be that terrifying. For the one in the grip of fear, they just know that they do not want to risk failure.
I often refer to myself as a reformed perfectionist (though those close to me may cough a little at that remark). I know the paralysing terror at the thought of failure and have lived with the shameful and humiliating experience of failing. I do not need anybody else in the room to experience this shame and humiliation, though others being present, or imagined, does make it worse. Regardless, it is a battle that rages within, with the origin of the battle being unknown at the time.
Where Does it Come From?
Nature Vs Nurture.
Fear of failure is certainly a topic for the Nature/Nurture debate. Children who are Highly Sensitive by Nature, may lack a general resilience and may experience an increased fear of failure. This increase in fear may be as much to do with an emotional inability to cope, as it is an actual fear of failure. Combine personality traits, other sensitivities, elements of nurture, and it gets very complex.
In regards to Nurture, here are some potential contributors:
- Too much criticism
- Too high expectations
- Too many expectations
- Too much emphasis on the end product
- Perfectionism within carers
- A lack of confidence
- Too much praise in relation to being smart and clever
- Comparison to siblings and others (made by the child or others)
- Birth order
- Low sense of self
- And more….
As you can see, despite our best efforts we cannot predict how children will respond to the many interacting variables of Nature and Nurture. I’ve seen some children respond to expectations and encouragement by raising their standard of work performance and productivity, and other children slouch into the ‘why-bother’ slump – it’s over before it can begin. I’ve seen children in tears over a weekly times-table test, and others stick to tasks that extended them into a productive region where their ability was unknown.
What Does it Look Like?
All or Nothing: ‘do or do not, there is no try’.
In the Star Wars movie ‘The Empire Strikes Back’, Yoda says to Luke Skywalker, ‘Do, or do not, there is no try.’ It is All, or it is Nothing; this is a perfectionist trait. It is either all right, or you don’t even start, and you certainly do not even try. A whole day can be marred by one upset, a result may be 98% and the focus will be on the absent 2%. Do or do not – there is no try; I conclude that Yoda was a perfectionist and this was influencing how he instructed his apprentice. Of course, you have to try, how else will you know if you can ‘do’, or how much practice you may need in order to improve the ‘do’. Determination needs to trump fear.
What Does it Look Like in the Classroom?
Fear of failure can often result in behaviour that is geared toward ‘failure avoidance’ which may look like ‘work avoidance’.
Failure avoidance has some twisty logic:
- If I do not do, then I cannot failure
- If I do not try, and I fail, then I have failed on my terms
- Not trying and failing, is less painful than trying and failing
- If I erase this correction, then it will no longer exist (and nobody can see it)
- If I ask for answers, I will not get it wrong, and if it is wrong then it will not be my fault
- I will only do what I know I can do (working within a known repertoire)
- If I choose easy tasks, then success is more certain
- If I am disruptive and off-task, the teacher will not notice that I am avoiding the task
- If I make a mistake then it was the teacher’s fault (or whichever adult should have taught me better)
- If I go to the toilet, get a pencil, get a drink, need to get something from my bag, need to go to the office etc., then I won’t have time to complete the task therefore, I cannot fail.
At other times, what might look like minimal effort or laziness, may actually be protection.
The Role of Fear
Fear is normal and healthy and serves the purpose of keeping us safe from risks and dangers. Rational fear responds to genuine threats, whereas irrational fears relate to fear that arises when no genuine threat is present. Fear calls upon its companion the sympathetic nervous system and before you know it, your heart is beating hard, your stomach muscles tighten, your breathing changes and your palms get sweaty – an understandable response if there is an intruder in your house, but not appropriate when it is one of the daily tasks in school. In this state, thinking of answers or how to do something becomes compromised.
What Are They Afraid Of?
The fear is of the potential end product with the ability to ‘do or not do’ being regarded as the end product (there is no try). If the end product is deemed as a ‘fail,’ then the end product is informing them that they ‘fail’ – not just that they failed at the task, but that they are a failure. There is very little separation between what they can and can’t do, and who they regard themselves to be. I know what it is to live with this cruel and distorted reality and occasionally still have times when I am overwhelmed with a sense of embarrassment and shame when I experience failure. It is all very real and does not require anybody else to be present, but it is far worse when others are present.
What Might Failure Teach
‘You learn from your mistakes.’
‘You’re right, I learn that I’m a total git.’
It is what the end product is announcing to all and sundry, and especially to the one who tried. It is the announcement that they are stupid, that they are incompetent, and that they are NOT GOOD ENOUGH! They are not who or what they want to be, not possessing the abilities they wish they had. ‘I cannot, therefore I am not. With one’s own sense of self in the balance, there is a lot of pressure to get it right the first time.
What Can We Do To Help?
As parents and carers, it can be hard to know what to do. We may tell of the value of mistakes, but this message becomes lost on the child who is in the midst of their fear. They know how they are feeling and promises of potential lessons learned, is a poor pay-off for what they are experiencing right now.
Validate and Acknowledge
Acknowledge their fear because it is real, irrational but real. Children may say, ‘What if I make a mistake?’ It is a legitimate question; ‘If you make a mistake? You might feel annoyed about that and your mind might even tell you unkind stories about you. Your mind is not helping you in that moment. You are so much more than this thing you are trying to do. If you do fail, I’ll be here to encourage you to try again.’ I have seen many students struggle through tears and anxieties with tasks and gradually develop resilience to move into a place of excelling. It is all part of learning and acts as a gateway to discovering abilities. Through gradual exposure to risk taking, children learn to respond with more grit to challenges.
Talk About It
The more we talk about it, the less powerful it becomes. Bring the topic out in the open, but do so in a safe moment, when the threat of failing is not present in the room. However, for some, the very topic may evoke the default reaction of withdrawal. Help your child be aware that their minds can be unkind to them and that they do not need to listen to their own harsh critical voice. One of the key tools with working with children and adolescents is to help them articulate what it is their mind is telling them. After making a list and reading it back, it is usually agreed that their minds can be very unkind. It is not a question as to whether it is true or not, but whether it is helpful.
Emphasise Process
- You worked really hard on that.
- Well done on your effort.
- You’ve been working at that for such a long time.
- I can see that your practice is really helping you to improve.
Model the process, talk about how long you have been working on a project and tell of the errors that have occurred along the way. Can you incorporate the help of your child in a task that you are working on? For example, making a garden takes time and the product or produce, comes later.
Children see adults performing tasks and demonstrating skills, but are unaware of the process that has taken place. For example, I can touch type and I have had many children comment on this ability. What they didn’t see was the course I did when I was 17 that included 10 hours a week of repetitive typing patterns and sequences. Children see sports stars win competitions, kicking goals, or winning trophies, but they have not seen the hours of practice, year after year. Talk about it and dispel the myth of innate abilities that require no effort.
How Do You Respond?
Children are often surprised when they learn that grown-ups experience some of the same struggles. However, the lesson to be imparted, having acknowledged the same struggle, falls into two categories;
- How will I respond? What do you need to do in order to try again? What will you do differently to show that you have gained knowledge and understanding from the error?
- Do not judge. It is our nature to judge things as either good or bad and the idea of something ‘just happening’ is a concept that we may need to learn. It’s a little bit like saying, ‘so that happened.’ Not, ‘I made a mistake and that is bad,’ but, ‘Oops, that wasn’t meant to happen – I need to try again.’
We may not be able to prevent our children from developing a fear of failure, but we can help them on their journey to resilience.
- Engage your children in conversations about it during times of safety when no threat of failure is present.
- Model what it means to make mistakes, to fail, and to then respond by reapplying yourself to the task and not beating yourself up.
- Emphasise process instead of product and help your children to see the bigger picture of process and product combined.
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About Gwen
Gwen is a school teacher, counsellor, author and presenter. Gwen’s counselling practice caters particularly for children, adolescents, teachers and parents, as well as generalised counselling. She works with individuals in relation to mental health and wellbeing. Gwen is the author of Bully Resilience: Changing the Game. See www.equipcc.com.au for more information.
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