‘How much should I push my child?’
Parents have often asked me, ‘How much should I push my child?’ This question is usually prompted after they have experienced retaliation by their child against homework. I am not asked, ‘How can I encourage my child?’ I believe that we gain more when we come alongside someone and walk with them, rather than by opposing them. This article seeks to differentiate Pushing and Encouraging; where Pushing results in conflict and negative outcomes, and Encouragement assists the other in becoming confident, and empowered in their own decision making.
An example
Alex, has homework to complete and Mum has told them to do it. Alex does not comply and continues with what they are doing. Mum repeats the instruction, and Alex does not comply. Mum now raises her voice, and Alex states that they will do it later. Mum does not want this response, and storms into the room and removes what Alex was doing. Alex now retaliates with anger, because their autonomy has just been removed. Alex accuses Mum of treating them like a child and always nagging. Conflict results. The more Mum pushes, the stronger is Alex’s resolve to NOT complete the homework. Threats are made, emotions rise, the task may, or may not get done. Both end up feeling flustered and bothered by the other. Regardless of the task, neither party is happy.
The Difference Between Encouraging and Pushing
I asked some students for their opinions about the difference between Encouraging and Pushing. They were thoughtful, and made the following suggestions:
- When my parents push me, I think they do not trust me. I want my parents to show me that they trust me.
- Pushing involves emotion, because parents get upset and angry at you.
- A potential hidden agenda is the parent’s own fear of failure, and/or their desire to protect their child from experiencing failure.
This is an issue of concern for our young people and for parents.
- Young people know how they want to be treated.
- Parents want what is best for their children.
- Both parties may become frustrated with each other.
Can we please talk about this?
DISCLAIMERS
- A young person may need some strong encouragement to get going, which may include the promise of a benefit or using a firm voice.
- How behaviour is perceived by the other is out of our control. I have known some to respond to the gentlest of encouragements with ‘don’t push me’. It is almost as though, that young person (or maybe adult), has developed a hypersensitivity to any form of effort made by another, in moving them to a new level of ability.
- I refer to ‘the parent’ as being the one in the position of authority or leadership, but this also refers to other adults such as guardians, teachers, tutors and leaders of various types.
Table 1 presents a collection of ideas.
Table 1. The difference between Encouraging and Pushing.
ENCOURAGING |
PUSHING |
|
|
Significant features? |
Language/voice: assertive and understanding. Discussion. Rewards: Achievable goals (extrinsic and intrinsic). Trust is demonstrated. Autonomy is respected. Relationships remain intact and healthy.
|
Language/voice; Nagging with repetitive instruction. Lecturing. Emotional/upset/anger/annoyance/frustration. Punishment: threats of negative consequences, removal of privileges. Ineffective extrinsic motivation – offering something that is of no value to the young person. Lack of trust. Autonomy removed. Potential stale mate between the one pushing and one pushing back. |
|
Message intended? |
I love you. I want what is best for you. I want you to desire what is best for you. I trust you, I have faith in you. I cannot make you do anything (and neither can anybody else), you need to decide to do it. |
I love you. I want what is best for you. You need to do better. I’m just making sure you are doing what you need to do. |
|
Message |
I believe you can do this. I want you to want to do this. I will provide the space for you to do what you need to do, but you are the one who needs to do it. |
I don’t believe you can do this without being told to. I want you to do this. I don’t trust you to do this of your own volition. |
|
Potential positive |
Task gets completed and young person receives the benefit of having completed the task – extrinsic and intrinsic. Relationships have not suffered, even if task is not completed. |
Task is completed, (under protest). There is little delight in external rewards.
|
|
Potential negative Short Term |
Task may not get completed. Rewards are not given. Young person believes they, ‘got away with it.’
|
Relationship suffers. Young person resists. Task does not get completed. Young person may receive punishment or privileges are withheld. If task is completed, emotions are too frayed to enjoy any internal delight. |
|
Potential positive |
Young person learns that they are responsible for what they do, and not somebody else. | Young person learns they must complete tasks, though may now be driven by fear. |
|
Potential negative |
Young person may not learn to take responsibility. |
Conflict and relationship tensions. Young person learns that it is not their fault if they do not get tasks done, because nobody pushed them to do it. Failure to accept responsibility. Become performance driven, where product is valued more than process. Fear of reprisal if task is not completed (both internal and external). Shame response to failure. |
|
Potential Agenda |
Desire to maintain a positive relationship. Desire to impart respect and value. |
The desire to see the young person want to do it without needing to be told. Desire to see the task achieved. Desire to protect them of the consequences of failure. |
|
Potential Hidden Agenda |
I was pushed when I was young and I won’t do it to you. A fear of conflict with a tendency to be ‘too soft’. A fear of taking authority; fearing ‘not being liked’. |
Controlling behaviour. Vicariously living through the young person. Concern for reputation and experiences of shame to the family if young person fails. |
Pushing
A stationary object is pushed by exerting energy against it. A car may need a push-start, or perhaps it is bogged. We need to push furniture into position. The purpose of pushing, is to create movement, to start momentum. What happens when the object will not move regardless of how much we may push? In the case of our young person, more pushing is not the answer. A different method is required. Perhaps our young person resents being regarded as ‘not moving’.
Encouragement
What if something is already moving? A child is encouraged on a bicycle by guiding and steadying. For many, motivation is present, but momentarily forgotten by short-term distractions. Perhaps they have lost track of time, or are caught up in another activity, and homework is simply less attractive. What if a lack of confidence is the real problem? It is amazing how much confidence you can impart to another, when their trust of your opinion, is stronger than their own.
Why Resist?
A young person may resist complying for several reasons:
- To maintain a sense of power.
- To prevent you from noticing that they are terrified of getting it wrong.
- They want to do it, in their own time, and in their own way.
- They want to be trusted. If they comply when you ask, then you will think that they ‘need to be told’.
- If they do it, they want you to know that they chose to do it of their own accord, and not because they were told to. Once told, they have lost their ‘choice’ to do it, and may now choose not to.
- Why should they do it if they do not want to? How will you help them to ‘want to’?
- They can’t be bothered. This is short-goal over long-term goal. Stress and conflict reduces one’s ability to see long-term goals (Ginsburg & Jablow, 2015).
No More Lectures
Ginsburg and Jablow (2015), in ‘Building Resilience in Children and Teens,’ suggest that children and teens tune out during long speeches and hear, ‘Waaa…..waaaa….waaaa.’ Putting the child or teen in their own driver’s seat is the challenge, for them to experience their own growing competence in making wise and safe decisions. Ginsburg and Jablow, also state that lectures undermine developing competence, induce shame, feelings of stupidity and feelings of being incapable. The young person may respond by acting out. Parents, can be consumed by their passion on the subject, and may become agitated and frustrated. Sound familiar? They also state that by providing choice and control, the young person has the power to fulfil their own decisions or not, and will experience their own consequences.
The Future CEO
Some parents will worry for their child’s career, due to a lack of homework compliance. Ideal long-term goals may include; academic qualification, financial independence, or progression through a career to management. If short-term homework goals are achieved through pushing and conflict, then our future CEO may have an outcomes-based value system, with little regard for their employees. However, if goals are viewed via values such as; commitment, creativity, dependability, family, or tolerance, how would our CEO differ? I would rather work under the management of someone who was others-focused, and values creativity and imagination. There is more at stake here than just homework. What else are they learning from you?
Work with your young person and not against them. Demonstrate that you are on their side, and not opposed to them. Show them that you trust them and value them. Let them know, that you want the very best for them. Guide them in making values-based decisions that will help them to grow in confidence and competence.
Let’s journey together well.
If you have any queries about the content of this article, or any matter that you wish to discuss, you can contact me via email: gwen@equipcc.com.au
References.
Ginsburg, K.R., & Jablow, M.M., (2015), Building resilience in children and teens; giving kids roots and wings, American Academy of Pediatrics, Elk Grove Village
About Gwen
Gwen is a school teacher, counsellor, author and presenter. Gwen’s counselling practice caters particularly for children, adolescents, teachers and parents, as well as generalised counselling. She works with individuals in relation to mental health and wellbeing. Gwen is the author of Bully Resilience: Changing the Game. See www.equipcc.com.au for more information.
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